Delusions of Control

I admit it.  I am a complete control freak, type A personality.  What I’ve come to realize in the last few days, is that the harder I try to control everything, the more out of control it gets.

Take for example a simple thing like losing weight.  You would think that it completely within one’s own control.  You eat less, excerise more, try a diet or two, you would lose weight.  And to be fair, there’s a need to drop a few to maintain good health.  Do you think I’ve lost ANY through the last 8 months.  Nope.  But, let go of the illusion that I can control it, I lose 8 pounds.  Don’t think the significance is lost on me.

Or a more complicated example, only because it involves children, getting cooperation on keeping your house tidy.  The more I tried to control the chaos, the worse it spun out of control.  Yet, make a few simple changes in attitude, give up attempting to control, and the children (almost) willingly put things away.  Hmmm….perhaps yelling really doesn’t solve anything, including making me feel better.

I think I’ve always “understood” that control is an illusion.  I just didn’t know that illusion also applied to me.  By taking a step back, I can finally see how crazy my life was getting and taking me along for the ride.   By giving in, I am rewarded with a new peace I can’t remember ever experiencing.  It is such a powerful feeling that I am able to keep much more grounded, emotionally steady and without feeling a sense of terror every time someone needs “just a minute of your time”.

It is not easy maintaining that balance but I find myself realizing almost instantly when I start to slip into old habits.  I suppose that is better than waking up in a month & not knowing how I went from being peaceful to stressful again.  So, my task for the week is to insist that I provide myself with the time and prayer to reflect upon all I now understand.  Breathe deeply, love fully and pray daily.  It’s a tough walk but I think I will come out better for it.

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3 thoughts on “Delusions of Control

  1. I’ve come to accept that the only thing you can really control is how you react to a certain situation. So instead of freaking out all the time about the kids’ clutter, I limit it to when I’m getting company. Much better for my nerves.

  2. I am so there with you. As part of Holly’s Early Intervention Serivces, I see a therapist about 1 time a month, but I hadn;t seen her since before i started working, so it has been like since August.

    Last week at our session we spoke about control. having a child has been a lesson to me that I can not control anything, first with the pregnancy, then getting gestational diabetis, then with the Diagnosis, and then with the C Section. having Holly forced me to let go of any control.

    The months after I had her I was so much happier in my life accepting this fact.

    Then I went back to work, and I had to take control, of the office, the job, my life, I was in an executive position, and had too much to juggle to loose control. I was miserable and unhappy, and finally I quit.

    But today, I don’t have a traumatic event (child birth) to force me to give up that control, and I struggle everyday. I am trying so hard to get back to that Happy place where I let go and live in the moment, but it is an uphill battle.

    The thing is, my trying so hard, is me trying to control and it is a spiral. Holly;s Fragile X, is another test in letting go of control. She will develop how she does and the outcome is nothing I can control.

    I am right there with you and I wish you luck on your journey, as I too try each day to be present and let go.

    Thank-you for your honesty. I think that is part of the “supermom” problem. No one wants to admit she doesn’t have it all together

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